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2 Faced

Updated: Sep 9, 2019

(older writing)

"A million things run through my mind, you ain't gotta be in jail to be doing time." - 2Pac

I hate this feeling. This life of being 2-faced. Not in the sense of good and bad or honesty and dishonesty, but in the sense of happiness and depression. When I express laughter and happiness, it is true and legitimate. It is the times I am alone, or intoxicated, or sad that it all hits me. Most people see me as funny, happy, generally carefree person. And that is what I am, who I am with them. This is by no means because I am fake to them or putting on a show. I am truly happy. I love family and friends more than I could ever possibly express in words. It's just that after the fun, when it is time to be alone...I fall.

I have so much I need to talk about, and express. But I can't. Why?

Is it because I am ashamed, embarrassed, lost, confused and don't want to bother others with my thoughts? Yes. But slowly, I feel as though I am destroying myself. I want help so badly but don't know where to turn. Is this normal? At night I am haunted, relentlessly by my thoughts and emotions. Does everyone experience this or is this truly what depression is? Putting on your happy-face for society by day, then slowly eating away at yourself by night! I don't get it, but I definitely know I don't like it. How long will I be tormented like this?

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