Having Bipolar, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety or any Mental illness for that matter can feel very ostracizing. I have found that, even when I am amongst my closest friends, I can feel almost as though I am a foreigner. As they share their struggles and shared experiences, I can’t help but feel deeply sad and alone knowing that my experience will never be an understood one within the group. As if I didn’t feel like enough of an outsider in the real world, now in what should be the safest space, I am harshly reminded that I am starkly different from the masses and my experience is not one to be shared. Literally invisible in front of a group of close friends. Just putting on a smiling face to get through the night and make everyone, but me, comfortable.
They are going to work, picking up nieces and nephews, planning to go to concerts. I am going to treatment, planning my day after because I’ll be too tired to leave the house, going to my psychiatrist, case management, psychologist, praying I'm not too depressed to get out of bed and so on. “This is just for now” people keep saying. Well, how long is “this for now” going to last because it’s getting really fucking old and bipolar and depression are pretty fucking lonely. While they are talking about wishing for the latest handbag I'm praying to God that I get more than 4 hours of sleep. To be honest, sometimes I can't handle dinners because I'm too tired to put on a decent face. I know that "normal" talk will be too much for me to handle. And it's not malicious. They don't know. I've never said anything because I feel selfish and ashamed.
I do know, though, that I am not alone and that is why I keep writing. I know there are plenty of bipolar, ADHD, depression, anxiety, mood disorder, etc. warriors out there fighting this battle along with me and for that I know it is worth it to keep on typing.
I'm sorry, I definitely hear you. It is such a painful way to live life. But that is incredibly admirable that, through it all, you still manage to put on a brave face for your kids. Know that you are not alone and keep fighting for those better days.
I feel this way, like I am looking through a storefront window watching people live and laugh. I can barely get through the day, i have school age children and time dinner hits i can barely function . Their excitement to tell me about their day can often overwhelm me but I smile and hug them and tell them i am proud.