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Suicidal Ideation...Personally, I Finally Had to Give in & Let Lithium Take the Wheel

Updated: Sep 18, 2019

It has officially been over 2 weeks since my last treatment. I can say without a doubt, this past week especially, has been hell. My sleep started slipping about 5 nights ago and with that, of course, my mood gets taken down with it. I feel like I actually got some longevity out of my last treatment. It wasn’t a significant change in my mood but enough that it was noticeable. I would say that I had a good 4 or 5 days and then the crying spells started. After a few days of that, the sleep started to go. It’s been hell. My doctor went out of town so it hasn’t been possible for me to get in for a treatment any sooner. It’s Saturday today. I just have to make it until Tuesday for my next treatment. My regular psychiatrist was doing the best he could to try and keep me stable but those drugs take so long to work that there’s only so much we can do. We did make the decision to put me back on Lithium though. I had been on it for years and then thought that maybe I would be okay without it. I’ve been off of it these past 4 months and it just seems like things were a bit more stable when I was on it. It also helps significantly with suicidal ideation which I’ll take all the help I can get in that department.

I am holding on by the tips of my fingernails to make it to Tuesday. I’m also nervous because I can’t help but wonder, what if the ketamine doesn’t put me to sleep Tuesday night and everything before was some concocted illusion? I think that’s some PTSD talking. I rarely smoke weed but I did two nights ago and I got about 6 hours which helped. I tried again last night but still only managed about 4 hours. Sleep is a death spiral for me. The longer I go without sleep, the more sick I become. The farther from reality my thinking (mood) becomes. Thankfully, I am lucky enough who have parents who let me come stay at their house so I do not have to be alone. Otherwise, you better believe I would be in the hospital. I’m praying for some relief tonight. Tuesday still feels very far off but I’m doing my best to keep calm (and occupied) until I will hopefully get some ketamine induced relief from my mind again.

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