Holding On by a Thread: Lithium, Sleepless Nights & Suicidal Ideation

It’s officially been a little over two weeks since my last treatment, and this past week has been a chaotic freefall— especially the last five days. My sleep started unraveling, and once that goes, my mood goes right down with it.

I actually got some longevity out of my last treatment. It wasn’t a huge shift, but it was distinct. I had a solid four or five days of relative calm before the emotional drops started. A few days later, the sleep fell apart. Since then, it’s been a slow-motion crash.

My doctor went out of town, so getting in sooner wasn’t an option. It’s Saturday now, and I just have to survive until Tuesday. My regular psychiatrist has been doing everything he can to keep me stable, but those meds take forever to kick in. There’s only so much anyone can do.

We did decide to put me back on Lithium. I was on it for years and convinced myself I might be okay without it. I’ve been off for four months, and honestly, things were more stable when I stayed on it. It also helps with suicidal ideation — and right now, any help in that department is worth taking.

Barely gripping on, trying to make it to Tuesday. I’m nervous, too. I keep thinking: what if the ketamine doesn’t knock me out Tuesday night? What if everything before was just some illusion I made up?

That’s probably the PTSD talking.

Tried again last night — four hours. Not great, but better than nothing. Sleep is a death spiral for me. The less I sleep, the sicker I get, and the farther my thoughts drift from reality.

Thankfully, my parents let me stay with them so I don’t have to be alone. Otherwise, you better believe I’d be in the hospital. I’m praying for some reprieve tonight. Tuesday feels nearly out of reach, but I’m doing what I can to stay calm — and stay occupied — until I hopefully get another dose of ketamine-induced quiet in my mind.