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The Beasts That Lie Within. I Had No Idea What was In Store for My Life.

Updated: Sep 6, 2019

I went in for another treatment yesterday. It was strange because after the last one I really didn’t feel a difference. I let the doctor know and we made the decision to try a higher dose. I do feel as though it made a difference with my depression. I feel like my mood is slightly better today than it was prior to the treatment yesterday.

Yesterday, I was reflecting back on my bipolar and my experience with ketamine so far. Even though I have only had a total of 7 treatments over a total of 8 weeks, minus a 4 or 5 day depression slip up, I haven’t had any significant depressive or manic episodes. This is the most stability that I have ever experienced in my whole life. Personally, it is without a doubt the most effective anti-depressant that I have tried.

It used to take an extremely stressful management of carefully concocted drugs, marijuana and alcohol just to try to keep myself properly balanced to function throughout the day. I was not getting high for fun. I was getting high to function. Each day I would figure out what I needed to get my mind balanced so I could look like a “normal” person and do whatever it was I had to to go to work and get through the day. I never got caught. Nobody ever suspected a thing. I had had years of keeping my secret. I was a professional. I look back now and wonder how detrimental that really ended up being. But I can’t blame myself. I always knew that I was different but I couldn’t articulate it. So, I did what I had to to stay below the radar and survive. I didn’t know better. I had no idea the beasts (bipolar, ADHD, treatment resistant depression) that I would be faced with slaying for the rest of my life.

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