Up&Down

(poem I wrote in my early teens - I knew I was far beyond the

"normal" spectrum of the up & down mood a teenager but

I had no idea why)

Every day, up & down my emotions race.

Each day, hoping happiness will find some pace.

It's a constant war; back & forth my mood will go.

What I’ll feel like tomorrow, I can just never know.

Already, so many things experienced in life—

So many moments marked by just a flash of a knife.

The good & the bad, they all came together,

Praying somehow your emotions become something you can live with forever.

Up & down, side to side, my mind & heart flutter—

A sickening contradiction between a happy heart and a cutter.

Trying to find yourself is a constant fight,

Caught between doing what's wrong & doing what's right.

When I make the wrong choice, it's only done to cope.

If I can forget the night, maybe tomorrow I can awake with hope.

Constantly, I remind myself to believe in the good,

Forcing myself not to quit & to always do all that I could.

The true depth of this would be impossible to explain—

The only ones who get it have truly experienced the pain.

Up & down in this world where nothing is concrete,

Fight through the struggles or you will quickly face defeat.

I will keep getting up; I will keep fighting back,

Each day continuing to revise my plan of attack.

But until the day I feel I am truly where I should be,

I will face the pain & the trials head-on until I feel that I am free.