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No Sleep Equals Defeat

I apologize for not posting for so long. I went into a bipolar hypomanic state and, for me, it becomes impossible to write. My thoughts race (definitely opposite of depression) and compile upon each other. I can’t sit still long enough to accomplish a task and I feel as though I am crawling out of my skin. Needless to say, this leaves me feeling extremely irritable and without the ability to focus. I went through a medication change that completely threw off of my sleep schedule. I had about 10 days of less than 3 hours of sleep and that is my number one trigger for reckless behavior or becoming increasingly more likely to self-harm. After my experience with my overdose a few back I was able to recognize the signs and seek out the help I needed. I told my psychiatrist that if I wasn’t able to get a night of sleep soon I would end up overdosing again. I told him what I took the night before and he said, "Well that's about a 50/50 overdose already." I'm not totally sure what that means but I end up in such a state of despair that my mind just blacks out and focuses on getting sleep by any means necessary. There’s no thought given to tomorrow. The present has become too painful, too unbearable. Something has to be done now.

Thankfully, this time I had the plan in place if I did need to go to the hospital. I was able to get the support I needed should I feel completely out of control. I also went and stayed with my parents so I would not be alone. I am grateful we were able to start a new medication and we never had to implement the hospital plan. It’s scary and lonely, though.The places the bipolar mind can take you. It’s like riding the biggest roller coaster in the park with no restraints (not to mention, you never even wanted to ride the roller coaster in the first place).

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