Lost: The Pain of Feeling Present but Not Here

(older writing)

Wilted palm by an empty street, overwhelmed by the pouring rain. A reflection of living with depression, in a state of dissociation, and feeling lost – disappearing in plain sight.

I feel so lost and so unbearably low I can barely breathe. All I want is to feel comfortable again — to feel anything that resembles real happiness. Instead, I feel detached from my own body, like I’m watching my life fall apart from the outside. I’m here, but not really here. Everything feels distant. Everything feels slightly tilted, like the world is off-axis.

My friends feel like strangers. My home feels like a motel. My family feels like distant relatives I barely know. I don’t recognize my life or myself, and the hopelessness, helplessness, and heartbreak are suffocating. I hate it. I can’t explain it. It feels like everything I once understood has disappeared.

I’m so sad. So depressed. So lost. I could cry until my body gives out and still feel no release.

I keep asking myself: What can I do? How do I change this? Why do I feel like this?I just want a moment — even a glimpse — of hope or reassurance. Something to tell me I’m not completely gone.

But nothing feels right. Nothing feels familiar. Nothing even feels real. It’s like the world is slipping through my fingers and I can’t get a grip no matter how hard I try.

Why does it feel like this? Why can’t I understand it? Why can’t I fix it?

Helpless, heartbroken, and only a shell of a human.

I’m here… but I’m lost.

And the scariest part is how easy it is to disappear while standing in plain sight.