Bipolar, No Sleep, and the Roller Coaster I Never Asked to Ride

I apologize for not posting for so long. I went into a bipolar hypomanic state and, for me, that makes it almost impossible to write. My thoughts race — definitely the opposite of depression — and pile on top of each other. I can’t sit still long enough to accomplish a task, and I feel as though I’m crawling out of my own skin. Needless to say, it leaves me irritable and completely unable to focus.

I went through a medication change that completely wrecked my sleep schedule. I had about ten days of less than three hours of sleep, and that is my number-one trigger for reckless behavior or becoming increasingly likely to self-harm. After my experience with my overdose a few years back, I was able to recognize the signs and seek out the help I needed.

I told my psychiatrist that if I didn’t get a night of sleep soon, I would end up overdosing again. I told him what I had taken the night before, and he said, “Well, that’s about a 50/50 overdose already.” I’m not totally sure what that means, but I end up in such a state of despair that my mind just blacks out and focuses on getting sleep by any means necessary. There’s no thought given to tomorrow. The present has become too painful, too unbearable. Something has to be done now.

Thankfully, this time I had a plan in place if I did need to go to the hospital. I was able to get the support I needed before things became completely unmanageable. I also went and stayed with my parents so I wouldn’t be alone. I’m grateful we were able to start a new medication and never had to implement the hospital plan.

It’s scary and lonely, though — the places the bipolar mind can take you. It’s like riding the biggest roller coaster in the park with no restraints… and you never even wanted to ride the roller coaster in the first place.