The Beasts That Lie Within: Ketamine, Bipolar, and the Fight to Stay Alive

A reminder that the outside world often only sees innocence, while the real battles are silently happening inside.

I went in for another treatment yesterday. It was strange because after the last one, I really didn’t feel a difference. I let the doctor know, and we decided to try a higher dose this time. I do feel like it made a difference with my depression. My mood is slightly better today than it was before the treatment yesterday.

Yesterday, I found myself reflecting on my bipolar disorder and my experience with ketamine so far. Even though I’ve only had a total of seven treatments over about eight weeks—minus a four- or five-day depression slip-up—I haven’t had any significant depressive or manic episodes. This is the most stability I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. Personally, it’s without a doubt the most effective antidepressant I’ve tried.

It used to take an extremely stressful, carefully concocted mix of prescribed drugs, marijuana, and alcohol just to keep myself stable enough to function throughout the day. I wasn’t getting high for fun; I was getting high to survive. Each day, I would figure out exactly what I needed to feel balanced enough to look “normal” and do whatever I had to do to get to work and get through another day. I never got caught. Nobody ever suspected a thing. I had years of keeping my secret. I was a professional.

Now, looking back, I wonder how detrimental that really ended up being. But I can’t blame myself. I always knew I was different, but I couldn’t articulate it. So I did what I had to do to stay under the radar and survive. I didn’t know better. I had no idea about the beasts—bipolar, ADHD, treatment-resistant depression—that I would spend my life trying to slay.