The Relief I Didn’t Expect: Bipolar Rage, Ketamine, and Crashing Forward

Ketamine treatment number 6 is officially done. Treatment 5 held me steady for a solid eight days before I felt the looming shadow of depression lying in wait. It only took about three days after that to drop into a full-blown crash. Oh, how fun treatment-resistant depression can be (add bipolar into the mix and it’s a real party).

Since there were two full weeks between treatments 5 and 6, we decided to shorten the gap this time. I’m only waiting about nine days between treatments 6 and 7 — hoping we either beat the depression to the punch or cut it off before it balloons into something unmanageable.

What hit me yesterday was this: since starting Ketamine therapy for bipolar depression, I haven’t had an episode of uncontrollable rage — the kind fueled by the overwhelming and confusing emotions of bipolar. Before treatment, my thoughts would move so fast they’d ignite this pressure inside me, and the only thing that slowed them down was putting my fist through a wall or a door. The physical pain grounded me, forcing my thoughts and emotions to narrow onto a single point. One emotion. One thought. The pain became a brief moment of calm — a mental vacation.

Looking back now, I still haven’t had one of those episodes since beginning Ketamine. For someone bipolar — already wired for stronger, faster, louder reactions — that’s not nothing. Earlier this year, I actually tore a tendon in my hand after one of those outbursts (I now know exactly where the stud is in that wall). So, on the upside, it genuinely feels like Ketamine is carving out a little breathing room. It’s small, but a relief nonetheless — a reprieve my brain and my hand appreciate.